It's been a minute since I've written on here. I don't have any excuses.
This month has been absolutely mad: classes finished a few weeks ago, I moved into a new apartment, I went to New York with my best friend... I've been in constant motion, with barely a moment to contain myself. My birthday is also in three days!
This LGC is titled what it's titled because I have news about my eating disorder: I've been doing really, really well. I've been keeping my mind off disordered thoughts, and I've been working hard to ignore the urges and the voices and the thoughts, and just listen to my body. As a result, my eating disorder is losing.
As another result, my body is changing, and I hate it.
Blogging has been really hard for the last couple of months: I haven't been fitting into my clothes the way I used to (and I already felt like I was too big), my body isn't photographing the way I want it to, or expect it to. I knew that ED recovery was necessary, but I completely forgot about (or simply ignored) the obvious consequences of beating it, which is that I'd gain weight.
I've been struggling a lot with my self-esteem lately. I don't like how I look, I don't like how my clothes fit. My mind immediately thinks, "if this is healthier, why am I getting fat?" And objectively, I realize that I'm not fat, but the voices in my head aren't very nice.
I hope that I can learn to love myself, and love how I look. Media can be challenging- runway models, magazines, shopping sites, Instagram: it's a world catered to sizes 00 and 0, and I struggle with my desperate and incomprehensible desire to look like them. Some people are naturally born with the frame and metabolism of a body that I cannot achieve without starvation. If I am to fully defeat my eating disorder, this is something that I will simply have to accept.
On another note, I broke 10k followers on Instagram about a week ago, and I just want to say a major thank you to all the new names and faces that have joined me, especially since New York! I appreciate the endless support- thank you, thank you, thank you. I have so much love for you.
I hope to be posting more regularly now- I used to post every 2-3 days, but I've been struggling with what sort of content to upload. I'd rather not post at all, than write a bunch of empty, half-done blog posts and consider them content. I'm a bit of a perfectionist, and I won't post anything that I'm not proud of. As long as I have ideas, there will be blog posts. Writing is genuinely my favorite pass time, I just haven't been inspired lately. I'm hoping that will change.
Much love, always.