Today, I'm going to be talking a little bit about a recent break up, and what life feels like now. This breakup occurred a month ago, and we were together for two years. I will not be going into why we broke up, because it's not my business to tell you his story; I'm just talking about the aftermath.
I am that girl who always has a boyfriend. Annoying, I know. Since high school, I've always felt like having a boyfriend made life better, and easier. I was a bit insecure at that age, and I think having a boyfriend helped ground me. For a long time, I was terrified of being alone. When one boy left, I would find another, and another, and so forth. Truthfully, I had forgotten what it felt like to be single, and to not depend on a partner. I wanted this time to be different, so I didn't seek out rebounds, or new lovers, and I've spent the last month focusing solely on myself, and it's been incredible.
I know this is cliche, but I've been "finding" myself this month. I've spent such a long time being a part of a "we", that I don't know if I've ever truly defined myself. Relationships change a lot of people; we compromise, we accommodate, and we change to fit the mold of someone who we think could be loved. The problem with this, is I only know who I am within the confines of who I was with. After becoming single, I felt like so much of my identity was stripped away, and that's a really fucked up way to feel.
Breakups suck: that's the truth. When you lose a partner, you also lose a lover, a best friend, a confidant. You lose familiarity, comfort, routine.
But breakups can also highlight the best parts of you, and the strength and independence that you forgot you had. Many people say that in a breakup, you lose a piece of yourself, and I'm saying fuck that idea. This month of being alone has reminded me that I have always been a whole person. Losing someone is hard, but it is not debilitating. Being alone, I've realized how much more time I have to be with myself. All of that time and energy that I used to focus on another human being, I suddenly have for myself. I have more hours to write, to read, to enjoy watching the things that I want to watch. I have more hours to see old friends, and meet new ones, and more time to listen to myself. And hey, I'm 20. A little instability will probably do me some good.
This month has gone by so fast, and so slow at the same time. I find myself rushing through things, keeping my mind busy, constantly going from place to place, trying not to think about the past for too long. But I've also focused on slowing down, and taking the time to internalize these feelings. My old book would have said "don't feel sad about a breakup, find a new guy", and I'm trying something new. I am taking the time to mourn the relationship that I nurtured for two years.
I know that the last two "Let's Get Coffee" chats were a bit more structured. I had some strong opinions, and I felt like I knew what I was writing about. I'm sorry if this post doesn't interest you quite as much because of the lack of structure or purpose, but that's kind of the point of these posts. I like to imagine myself sitting across a table from you, sharing the random shit that's going on in my brain.
I wish I had some conclusive message for this post, but real life isn't a novel, and we don't always get a perfect conclusion.