Diary of a Twenty-Something

'Diary of a Twenty Something' was created as a safe place for my raw and unadulterated thoughts. 

 

I have a long history of mental health disorders, and have been using writing as an outlet for my anxiety, my entire life.

These are the only blog posts I write, that I do not address to the reader, as I write them for me. 

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October 4, 2018

For the Women Who Found Light 

On this day one year ago,

I crawled out of my hole.

It was pitch black, grimy, full of dirt,

I was covered in coal.

On my knees, I found light,

it blinded me. 

I wanted to crawl back in.

But the light had scared me before.

I had crawled back in before.

The view never changed.

I have been washing for a year,

and I am still covered in coal.

But my eyes have adjusted,

I am standing,

  I will never crawl back down...

September 25, 2018

I never found the courage in myself to create a post for the #metoo movement, but I think that will change in the future. This last year, I have opened up a lot about my mental health issues, and my history with an abusive partner, and the trauma that it left behind. I'm actually really proud of myself. 

I've noticed that the #metoo movement has grown and evolved into the #whyineverreported movement, and I wanted to share...

September 7, 2018

I started classes again this week- I'm finishing my last year of school ever. I can't even remember a time in my life when I wasn't in school, and now I'm down to my last year of college. I don't know where the time went.

This time a year ago, my world looked very different. I was very different. I lived in an apartment with my abuser, and life felt very hopeless and dark. I had 3,000 people on Instagram, not 15,000, and this b...

July 25, 2018

I wish that when I stopped writing these posts, the thoughts went away. I wish that I was playing up my mental health disorder, or making up problems in my head for good blog content. But I'm not. When I stop writing, the thoughts still exist, and they spiral and spiral until I can't get out of my head.

Lately, the existential dread has been swallowing me. I've never believed in a higher power, or a god, or a deity, or any grea...

July 13, 2018

I love having rainy days off- I've been awake since 5:30, sitting in bed with the windows open, listening to the sound of the rain, and the slaps of vehicles hitting wet pavement. 

It's a Friday; the rest of the world is running around, getting somewhere they have to be, but in this apartment, time is still. Today, I get to breathe. 

I haven't stopped writing in weeks. I'm writing a novel, but what's unique about that? Does...

June 28, 2018

I'm writing about this in order to hold myself accountable.

Sam and I did a takeover for Mall of America today, which was incredibly fun.

My anxiety also subconsciously manifested in the form of my disordered thoughts. I stopped eating after 4pm yesterday, and I ate my first piece of food today around 4:30pm. 

I let myself eat a Cinnabon. I figured it's okay, I hadn't eaten in a long time, my body needed the calories.

940 calories...

May 10, 2018

I don't like May 9th.

Today marks 6 years since you decided to "experience" death. I still remember the day so clearly. I still get angry that all the websites got your death date wrong in the obituary. 

I've always hoped, for your sake, that there's something after death. Deep down, I don't believe in a life after death, but I still hope that I'm wrong, so that you got to experience death, and your goodbye didn't go to waste. 

I...

April 6, 2018

What do happy people write about? I find myself writing less and less, maybe because I met someone who makes me so happy. They say that the miserable make the best writers. I don't know what to write about- joy? Do people write about running through daisies? Maybe I could start.

What exactly is love? I often wonder if love is meant to last or not? Some animals mate for their whole lives- many don't. Other animals stay together...

March 26, 2018

I know why it’s called seasonal depression— because when you drag yourself through cold, gray, and miserable weather for five months, you start taking on the properties of it. 

That’s how I feel— cold, gray, and miserable. My depression has been quite good to me this year. Since my anxiety decided to embody itself in the form of an eating disorder, that has been my primary battle. My depression joined the party during the holid...

March 11, 2018

I am in Japan.

It's always so strange when I come back here- to be somewhere so familiar, yet so distant. 

Japan was my first home, and my first identity. When I visit, I often feel this irrational fear to prove something. They look at me and they see a gaijin (a foreigner) and I feel this desperate need to prove them wrong. To show them that I am still one of them.

That despite blood, I am Japanese. I was taught to walk, sp...

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